Control Freak

I'm convinced there is a direct correlation between my anxiety and tendency to control things. I know it's my nature to be controlling. And the reasons are many (including growing up with 2 alcoholic parents). As my stepmother once told me, "You're exactly like your father." What does that mean exactly? Another question for another day...

It seems that my anxiety has been greatly increased lately. I was definitely pretty anxious around summer/fall last year. But I attributed it to wedding planning. And I've been pretty anxious in the winter and I attributed it to holidays and race planning. But the pattern here is that it's always here. And when I think back, I think I've felt this way for a long time. Although I've been able to cope with it better from time to time.

There is usually a lot going on in my life, so sometimes I wonder if there will be a time where I'll ever feel less anxious. Isaac is so much more laid back than I am, and it's a VERY good thing. But the juxtaposition of our personalities is interesting. It makes me think I'm even more anxious than I think! : )

So, back to the subject of the post... controlling behavior. When I feel anxious, I immediately try to control the situation. Case in point, when I was at Lowe's over the weekend with Isaac, I was extremely stressed. The lady helping us clearly didn't know what she was doing, and then when she told us our project would cost 6 times more than it actually would... I really felt anxious. Isaac was as cool as a cucumber through the whole thing. Yay Isaac! So, we start to walk to another area of the store and I start telling Isaac that I want him to talk to my brother in law (who installed my floors in the kitchen) and also bring him back to buy the materials with him. I realize what I'm doing and I say to Isaac, "Does what I am saying make you feel like I don't have any confidence in you?" And he graciously says no. But I know the answer is yes. I wanted to take control of the situation to lessen MY anxiety... even though I could think of this project as "Isaac's project" and therefore be completely hands off.

And then the other side of the coin is this: controlling has made me a very successful person in some ways. Hey, there has to be a good side to this! I've steadily climbed the career ladder, completed half marathons and a marathon, worked full time and gotten a graduate degree, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I think the real answer is BALANCE... which I'm not good at.

So, maybe this self awareness will help? I just don't want my controlling behavior to hurt those I love, or to send me to the edge of anxiety. Maybe I need to go back into therapy. Maybe everyone is like this? Who knows! Solutions may come on another day. Thanks for reading. It helped me get this out.