Control Freak

I'm convinced there is a direct correlation between my anxiety and tendency to control things. I know it's my nature to be controlling. And the reasons are many (including growing up with 2 alcoholic parents). As my stepmother once told me, "You're exactly like your father." What does that mean exactly? Another question for another day...

It seems that my anxiety has been greatly increased lately. I was definitely pretty anxious around summer/fall last year. But I attributed it to wedding planning. And I've been pretty anxious in the winter and I attributed it to holidays and race planning. But the pattern here is that it's always here. And when I think back, I think I've felt this way for a long time. Although I've been able to cope with it better from time to time.

There is usually a lot going on in my life, so sometimes I wonder if there will be a time where I'll ever feel less anxious. Isaac is so much more laid back than I am, and it's a VERY good thing. But the juxtaposition of our personalities is interesting. It makes me think I'm even more anxious than I think! : )

So, back to the subject of the post... controlling behavior. When I feel anxious, I immediately try to control the situation. Case in point, when I was at Lowe's over the weekend with Isaac, I was extremely stressed. The lady helping us clearly didn't know what she was doing, and then when she told us our project would cost 6 times more than it actually would... I really felt anxious. Isaac was as cool as a cucumber through the whole thing. Yay Isaac! So, we start to walk to another area of the store and I start telling Isaac that I want him to talk to my brother in law (who installed my floors in the kitchen) and also bring him back to buy the materials with him. I realize what I'm doing and I say to Isaac, "Does what I am saying make you feel like I don't have any confidence in you?" And he graciously says no. But I know the answer is yes. I wanted to take control of the situation to lessen MY anxiety... even though I could think of this project as "Isaac's project" and therefore be completely hands off.

And then the other side of the coin is this: controlling has made me a very successful person in some ways. Hey, there has to be a good side to this! I've steadily climbed the career ladder, completed half marathons and a marathon, worked full time and gotten a graduate degree, yadda, yadda, yadda. But I think the real answer is BALANCE... which I'm not good at.

So, maybe this self awareness will help? I just don't want my controlling behavior to hurt those I love, or to send me to the edge of anxiety. Maybe I need to go back into therapy. Maybe everyone is like this? Who knows! Solutions may come on another day. Thanks for reading. It helped me get this out.

Anxiety

Hi all. Sorry my posts have been so serious lately. But I guess that's one of the reasons I started this blog... to help write out my feelings and work through some of the tougher emotions I'm dealing with at this time in my life.

Yesterday was the t-shirt deadline for the Run for the Roses race that I am race directing. (We require pre-registration for t shirts now b/c races have gone under b/c there is a tendency to order too many t shirts... some last minute people hate this rule). I was so discouraged to see that I only have about 150 pre-registered for the race. Last year I had almost double that. It turns out the famous Krispy Kreme Challenge race is the day before this one, and it is being covered by ESPN. Who wouldn't want to run that race instead? They moved the race weekend to this one. And it's a shame, because had I known that, I would have moved my race (even though we've had this weekend for the last 29 years the race has been put on... it's the oldest 5k in Raleigh). I am afraid the race will actually lose money this year. But I bet we'll break even. It's just hard to know that I've probably put 150 hours of work into this race and see much less results. Maybe I'm speaking too soon... and I am praying that God will bless this race and make it fruitful. Urban Ministries of Wake County (the race beneficiary) is a wonderful ministry, and I know God wants to bless that.

I'm headed to Greenville, SC this week for work. I really don't want to go. And frankly, I'm a little tired of all the traveling I've been doing for work. Although I am rarely away from home at night... but this week I will be. The department I am working with in G'ville is difficult, to say the least. I am doing this implementation of the software program I manage on my own. No vendor support. So I am very anxious about that. One of the reasons BB&T created my position last year was to save on consulting costs. And I get that, but I'm certainly not being compensated for the level of work I'm doing. It's frustrating, but these days I'm thankful to have a job, so we'll skip that part for now.

This project will take up the next 3 months of my life. And then it's on to an even bigger project where I have to manage an implementation across 4 sites (Raleigh, Greensboro, G'ville, SC and INDIA). So, there is no end in sight to the work stress. I try really hard to let work be work. But there is so much pressure to perform and there is so much risk if these projects don't turn out (we're talking major money at stake). My boss offers to help, but he can't do anything. (Nor does he make the time to attend any of my meetings. So the offer of help pretty much is perfunctory at best.) The staff person I hired (and was strongly encouraged to hire) is not a good fit. He will complete tasks if I ask him to do them, but he doesn't have much initiative on his own, and he doesn't see the big picture.

I'm not sure what to do about any of this. I'd like to find another job but the economy is really suffering now. I'd like to talk to my boss about it, but it falls on deaf ears. I just need God to lead me in the direction he'd like me to go. God, please show me what to do... because I don't like feeling so stressed out and anxious all the time. My body is even feeling the effects with lots of neck and shoulder tension. Maybe some of it will be relieved after the race is over... but this is just REALLY hard.

I am going to cling to the following verses for now:

"The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34: 17-18).

Thanks for reading.