Decisions Decisions

I'm going back to work on Thursday--that is for sure. It's just that all the questioning, mulling over in my mind, etc. about going back to work, leaving Mark at daycare, and wondering how I'm going to be able to do what I've been doing the last 3 months on maternity leave PLUS a full time job is pretty intense! About a month after Mark was born, I was absolutely certain I was going back to work. Then as the we adjusted to parenthood and things eased up, I started to think I could be happy being at home full time.

I have LOVED being able to be a constant in Mark's life. I know him so well, so it usually doesn't take me long to calm him down if he's upset (unless it's one of those rare times when nothing seems to work). I love having the time to run errands, do housework, prepare meals, and not worry about not getting a good night's sleep if we have a rough night b/c I can nap during the day... or at least not worry about being completely "ON." I have felt the most emotionally stable during my pregnancy and the past couple months (aside for the hormonal roller coaster right after birth). And I don't want that to go away! But I'm afraid it will when I go back to work.

If you know me well, you know I'm a perfectionist. I like things done, organized, planned, and well thought out. I don't like to leave dirty dishes in the sink, or wait till a bill's due date to pay it. I get a lot of satisfaction over being able to take care of these things so Isaac, Mark, and I can have more stress-free, work-free family time together. How am I going to fit all this in when I'm working 40+ hours a week? And what will that mean for our family time together? Will we be so busy getting ready for the day, working, picking up, cooking, bathing, etc. that there is little time for anything else?

I'm probably anticipating a little too much drama. I KNOW I just need to try it out and see how it goes. I need to make it to my 5th anniversary at BB&T on Jan 1. But more than that, I need to see how being a wife, mom, and worker works for our family. I've already paid daycare for Aug-Oct (long story, but we had to start paying Aug 1). So we're definitely committed. And I'm committed to going back to work. I have high standards for myself, and I do not want to let down my boss or coworkers either. I just need to keep talking myself down from the ledge... and just TRY it and GO for it.

I never in a million years would have thought I wanted to be at home full time. But it's amazing how my identity has shifted and my priorities have changed since Mark came into our lives. It's really a GOOD thing. And I'm excited to see what it means for all of us in the weeks to come. Maybe if I like my job better this would be a different situation. But for now, I desperately need your prayers and your support. I've cried almost every day this week, and I can imagine it will continue next week.

Isaac had a FABULOUS idea tonight! He is going to work from home on Thursday and Friday when I go back to work and take care of Mark. That way I won't have to worry about how Mark is doing while I adjust to working all day. I am thrilled with this idea and so grateful that my husband is such a thoughtful and loving person. I could not be more blessed to have him in my life.

So, we'll take it one day at a time. That's probably how God wants us to live anyway... so we can look for how he's working and follow him even more closely. Lord, please keep my eyes and ears open so I can hear what you want me to do.