Comparing

There are times when I don't feel like I'm good at anything I do. I feel like I do LOTS of things okay, but I'm not that great at any one thing. (Well, maybe I do pretty well with relationships with people...) I have this horrible habit of comparing myself with other people and I hate it! I was watching TV yesterday and saw this girl climbing a mountain. I thought, "I can't do that. What do I do?" My sister makes a comment about being past the "pony tail stage" (she has short hair) and I'm tempted to run out and cut my hair the next day. I hate it!

I've definitely spread myself way too thin, and I am working on fixing that. I am not on the running club board this year, and this is the last year I am directing the Run for the Roses. But I still feel like I don't focus much on activities that I like. I spend so much time trying to figure out what everyone else wants to do and then do that. That's a good thing sometimes. But then I feel like I haven't spent the time on ME to develop my interests. I like to read, and definitely make time for that. I like to run, and haven't really been able to do that due to injuries (I'm spinning and swimming in it's place--not quite as good). I like to cook, and I do that. But it seems like there should be more?

Maybe I'm just being an over-achiever as I've been for most of my life. I usually pack my schedule so full that I can barely breathe sometimes (and Isaac definitely suffers when this happens). And then when I don't have something big on the horizon to plan and work toward, I feel a little depressed. I want to be more content in the HERE and NOW. But how do I do that?

I feel somewhat paralyzed to change. I know that doesn't make any sense because I can accomplish a lot. But when it comes to doing things I know I should do--write more, research graduate schools, etc. I freeze. Maybe it's the fear of failure. I was graduated magna cum laude from Gordon Conwell. But then part of me says that's just because it wasn't as challenging as UNC. (Not true really, I worked really hard.) Or maybe that's because when my dad saw how many of my classmates graduated magna cum laude he said, "Oh, it must not be that big of a deal?" Can we say deflated? (Not to mention that I worked full time, paid for all the expenses myself, and commuted to Charlotte twice a month, and used vacation time to attend classes.)
Ok, that was definitely a tangent. But it felt good to get it out.

Then we had the summer of crippling anxiety when I quit my job at Wachovia to go back to UNC for their Master of Accounting program. It's an intensive 1 year program--can I repeat that again--intensive? I cried every day when I came home. I was in a constant state of panic that I was going to fail. My classmates were super-competitive and my career counselor stated that the main reason I even got into the program was because of my work experience (my GMAT score was horribly low). So I questioned myself and I eventually quit. I DO think that was a good decision. Accounting is definitely not for me. But that experience has left me a little fearful...

All this to say... I need to figure out what I want, and I need to find a way to block out the noise of the world and not compare myself to others.... and just be ME. I know that's good enough, it's just difficult to keep moving into unchartered territory...

So, need to get to work. Have a good Friday.