Speak up?

This is one of my favorite Sara Groves (contemporary Christian artist) songs. It's called "Hello Lord" from her Conversations album:

"Hello Lord, it's me your child. I have a few things on my mind. Right now I'm faced with big decisions, and I'm wondering if you have a minute. Right now I don't hear so well and I was wondering if you could speak up. I know that you tore the veil so I could sit with you in person and hear what you're saying, but right now, I just can't hear you. I don't doubt your sovereignty, I doubt my own ability to hear what you're saying and to do the right thing, and I desperately want to do the right thing. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think you are telling me to wait, and though patience has never been mine, Lord I will wait to hear from you."

I love how she can be so honest in her music. I honestly feel the same way right now, "Hey, God, could you speak up, because I know you want me to do something, I just don't know what that is." I have had this sense of longing for something else for awhile now. I spoke to my pastor yesterday afternoon about it, and he had some good insights. One of the things he left me with was this:

"People are most satisfied in their lives when they find themselves at the intersection of meeting the world's need, and in doing so, also meet a need they have within themselves."

I think this is profound, and I think that it rings so true to me! I long for deeper relationships and to feel that I am making a difference in my community. It is true that many people find deep satisfaction in their daily lives. I am just so dissatisfied with my daily "work" job. I find that it puts me at odds with some of my core personality traits. It's hard for me to communicate, "Suck it up and do it" when I realize that person has real feelings and a real need for compassion and flexibility. Managing is hard for me.

I have to take a Quality and Leadership class this summer. Part of the pre-work for the class is to hand out 360 degree evaluations to your peers to have them "grade" you on certain items. I am terrified of what might come out of these evaluations. I know I'm a good worker and do a good job. But I also know that I can be impatient, a bit too harsh at times, and controlling. I hate even typing those things about myself, but hey, if you know me, you probably already know this about me! And what good am I doing myself if I feel this way but stuff it down?

So, I don't think I'm feeling dissatisfied about my job because of the evaluations that are coming up. But I do think it shows me that I am not using some of the gifts God has given me: empathy, listening skills, etc. I can use these to a point, but then the practical, managerial side of me has to come out and get the job done. Does that make any sense?

Isaac and I are reading the gospel of Matthew together and we're about to get to the Sermon on the Mount. I can't wait to read this together and see how Jesus taught and behaved in the hopes that I can glean some wisdom from God's word. I told Isaac last night that the job "yuckies" were quieter in the last few days, but he skillfully pointed out, "It's because you're allowing your head to get in the way of your heart." He is so amazing! And it is so succinct and so profound.

Let's pray that I can hear God more clearly and that I can drown out all the other noise that might get in the way. I know God has gifted me... I just want to know how to use it in the best manner possible.

Be Thou My Vision

So in keeping with the theme of my favorite hymns, here is another favorite of mine called "Be Thou My Vision." Here are two of my favorite stanzas:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

If you want the lyrics to the rest of the hymn, you can find it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Be_Thou_My_Vision

I love the longings and prayers expressed in this hymn. The second stanza above is one of my biggest struggles both personally and professionally. I care too much about what other's think is the right thing to do (notice the italics--seriously, does anyone know the right thing to do?) and I worry about financial issues: Will I have enough money, can I live on a lesser salary or none at all?

When I was in college, my parents encouraged me to pursue a career path that would provide well for me financially. Of course they would! They don't want me to starve! And given that my mom was a single, stay at home mom for most of my life, they wanted to make sure that I had financial resources of my own. But here's where it gets fuzzy and complicated though... somewhere along the way, I lost track of what my "true needs" are and have lost a deep sense of assurance that God would provide for those needs. It's crazy I know. But I am sure I'm not alone in this. (Anyone?)

When I look back on my life and think about the times when I've stepped out in faith financially, I can see how God has provided:

#1 After my junior year in college, I spent the summer in China to reach out to English-speaking students. I had to raise about $4000 to go on that trip, and I did it (well, God did it)! Some people in my life were less than thrilled that I was spending my time that way (they wanted me to work and save money). But eventually they came around (and even contributed) and it wound up being a life-changing experience for me.

#2 My master's degree in Christian Counseling at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary in Charlotte. I decided that I needed to find a way to pay for it without going into debt. This wasn't an easy thing as it was a private school! But, through personal savings, gifts from relatives, and scholarships, I graduated with NO DEBT.

When I review the course of my life and see how God has provided for me in SO many ways... I am utterly speechless. But still I worry about finances and what other people would think of me if I quit my professional job to do something else (say, ministry related).

In the eyes of the world, I'm successful. I graduated with honors from a top university (UNC Chapel Hill). I graduated with honors from graduate school while working full time and commuting to Charlotte for classes. I graduated from the Management Development and Leadership Development programs at Wachovia Bank. And have been promoted through the ranks at BB&T to department manager. It's not a shabby resume.

BUT....

I'm not happy, nor do I feel fulfilled by what I'm doing. I think about the things I like most about my job: interpersonal contact, relationship building, guiding, and leading. God has gifted me in these ways, and I'm ecstatic about that. But I constantly have this nagging in the back of my head that I should be using my talents in other ways. Ministry and service? EEK! SCARY!

But I've resolved to seek God's will for me in this career search. You'll be proud to hear that I made an appointment to speak with my pastor next week. I asked him to be a conversation partner with me. I'm so grateful that I have this opportunity to speak to such a wise person. If any of you want to join in the discernment process, I'd be honored! As always, you can leave a comment, just click the comment button.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. But I feel I've made a big step just by putting this out there. I have no idea where this is going to lead, but I'm committed to finding out how I can best use my talents to serve God. Maybe it is in the corporate world... I just need more assurance that I'm either doing the right thing or that I need to do something else.

Sounds simple right? : )

Come Thou Fount

We sang on of my favorite hymns in church today, "Come Thou Fount." The third stanza is my favorite:

"O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let that grace now like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above."

It so reminds me of how much I need God and how much I can stray from him if I don't concentrate on daily prayer and study. How I long to be bound to God and not stray from him. It's certainly not God that moves, it's me. Singing this song just makes me want to cling to God and shout, "I can do anything with God. There is no fear in Him!" And I usually feel that assurance for a few hours till I'm feeling afraid and weak again.

But my heart's desire is to KNOW God and BELIEVE him so deeply that I feel bound and held by God. Please pray for me as I seek to believe more each day. And that this knowledge would give me courage to follow Him with my whole heart, whatever that means.