Trying to catch my breath

We're finishing up another busy weekend at the Johnson house.  I didn't get nearly as much accomplished as I would have liked to--and I've felt pretty ick.  I've been taking prednisone to treat my poison ivy, and I swear it has turned me into a crazy lady.  (If you don't believe me, ask Isaac!)  Today was my last dose, so hopefully I'll feel like my normal self soon. 

Mark had a teacher workday on Friday, so I was home with Mark till after lunch.  I went into the office for some afternoon meetings, and honestly wished I had stayed home.  Work continues to be a huge source of stress for me, and I'm starting to feel really unhappy there again.  Some of you may remember I had a brief reprieve after I came back from maternity leave, but the honeymoon is over!

I wish I knew what I wanted to do occupationally speaking.  I'm torn between looking at the job as a means to an end (read: paycheck).  But it's a struggle.  I don't feel qualified to counsel (I have my master's degree in counseling) but it would be nice to do something more significant with my time.  To make matters worth, I make a relatively good salary, so changing to a new field would probably mean a significant pay cut for me.  With our very young family--paying off school loans, saving for college and retirement, etc.--it's hard to think about significantly impacting our bottom line.  So, I'm still trying to weigh my options and see what possible paths are ahead for me.  But, in my heart I know I need to do something different.

I've always been a little reluctant to talk about my job here because this is a public blog.  But I need a place to process.  I've always been an extremely high performer getting the highest possible rating.  But the last 2 years I've gotten "average" ratings.  I won't even get into the details, but suffice it to say that it's also impacting my ability to transfer within my company.  I interviewed for a job last year in another department and they asked why my performance rating had gone down over the last 2 years.  I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach!  I explained it as best I could.  But it became apparent that I couldn't transfer until I increased my performance rating... and that can't happen until April 2012 (if it even happens then!).  So, I feel trapped. 

I literally dread going into work tomorrow.  But I will try to make the most of it.  I'll get a few days off--if you can call it that--to go help my twin sister after her new baby arrives.  She is scheduled for a c-section on September 30, but she tends to go early.  So, maybe that will help!?  Goodness... maybe I'll get a break some time?

I could use all the good thoughts and prayers you can spare.  I'm ready to feel less emotionally volatile, and I know Isaac is too!!!  I'm going to go for now.  I've promised myself I am going to bed early.  I only slept a little over 5 hours last night and I'm beat (which also makes me feel worse).  Sweet dreams everyone.