Wisdom from Nana

As you probably know, Isaac's grandmother is terminally ill with colon cancer. We have been so fortunate to have been able to see her in July, August, and September... and God willing, in October for her 85th birthday. When we were visiting a couple weeks ago, I asked Nana what wisdom she had to share about life and God. Here's what she said while she was holding Mark in her arms. (These are direct quotes.)

About life:

• "Don't be in a rush." (talking specifically about relationships)
• "Take long walks in the woods."
• "You need to fish. Grandma isn't so sure about hunting."
• "Other people can help you, but you're going to be you."
• "Mark, you have a whole wonderful lifetime in front of you. Be a happy boy."

About God:

• "God loves you unconditionally and always will."
• "Do what he (God) calls you to do and know you are loved. No one loves you more."
• "No matter what you know if you don't know God loves you, you don't know anything."
• "He (God) calls you by name. He knew you in your mother's womb."
• "Mark, follow me (God). Do my work. Be my hands and feet."
• "The only thing you really need to know is that God loves you."

I can't even begin to tell you how much these words mean to me. They apply to ALL of us, but it's so sweet to remember that she said this while she was holding our sweet baby. Nana is such a phenomenal woman, and I wanted to know what she thought was most important about life. Obviously her faith has been the center of her life. And it's such an encouragement to us as we seek to teach Mark about God and the importance of faith and love.

We love Nana so much. Her words and wisdom is alive in the world today, and will continue for many years to come. Thank you Nana.

Decisions Decisions

I'm going back to work on Thursday--that is for sure. It's just that all the questioning, mulling over in my mind, etc. about going back to work, leaving Mark at daycare, and wondering how I'm going to be able to do what I've been doing the last 3 months on maternity leave PLUS a full time job is pretty intense! About a month after Mark was born, I was absolutely certain I was going back to work. Then as the we adjusted to parenthood and things eased up, I started to think I could be happy being at home full time.

I have LOVED being able to be a constant in Mark's life. I know him so well, so it usually doesn't take me long to calm him down if he's upset (unless it's one of those rare times when nothing seems to work). I love having the time to run errands, do housework, prepare meals, and not worry about not getting a good night's sleep if we have a rough night b/c I can nap during the day... or at least not worry about being completely "ON." I have felt the most emotionally stable during my pregnancy and the past couple months (aside for the hormonal roller coaster right after birth). And I don't want that to go away! But I'm afraid it will when I go back to work.

If you know me well, you know I'm a perfectionist. I like things done, organized, planned, and well thought out. I don't like to leave dirty dishes in the sink, or wait till a bill's due date to pay it. I get a lot of satisfaction over being able to take care of these things so Isaac, Mark, and I can have more stress-free, work-free family time together. How am I going to fit all this in when I'm working 40+ hours a week? And what will that mean for our family time together? Will we be so busy getting ready for the day, working, picking up, cooking, bathing, etc. that there is little time for anything else?

I'm probably anticipating a little too much drama. I KNOW I just need to try it out and see how it goes. I need to make it to my 5th anniversary at BB&T on Jan 1. But more than that, I need to see how being a wife, mom, and worker works for our family. I've already paid daycare for Aug-Oct (long story, but we had to start paying Aug 1). So we're definitely committed. And I'm committed to going back to work. I have high standards for myself, and I do not want to let down my boss or coworkers either. I just need to keep talking myself down from the ledge... and just TRY it and GO for it.

I never in a million years would have thought I wanted to be at home full time. But it's amazing how my identity has shifted and my priorities have changed since Mark came into our lives. It's really a GOOD thing. And I'm excited to see what it means for all of us in the weeks to come. Maybe if I like my job better this would be a different situation. But for now, I desperately need your prayers and your support. I've cried almost every day this week, and I can imagine it will continue next week.

Isaac had a FABULOUS idea tonight! He is going to work from home on Thursday and Friday when I go back to work and take care of Mark. That way I won't have to worry about how Mark is doing while I adjust to working all day. I am thrilled with this idea and so grateful that my husband is such a thoughtful and loving person. I could not be more blessed to have him in my life.

So, we'll take it one day at a time. That's probably how God wants us to live anyway... so we can look for how he's working and follow him even more closely. Lord, please keep my eyes and ears open so I can hear what you want me to do.

Night Feedings

Mark is beginning to sleep through the night, and I want to remember what it was like to be up in the middle of the night cuddling and feeding my little one! After the initial feeding craziness of the first few weeks, I actually began to enjoy the time with Mark. After all, it was dark, quiet, and nothing else in the world mattered except for loving and caring for my sweet baby. I love picking him up from his pack 'n play, feeling him curl into a little ball, and nuzzling him on my shoulder. Sometimes he would make some sounds and it literally was music to my ears. I marvel at what a beautiful baby he is and how very blessed I am to be his mom. Not to worry, Isaac participated in many of these night feedings.

I have found over the past few weeks that I have been grateful for this precious time together. Looking back on the first few weeks where we were desperate for sleep and struggling with feeding, it is hard to believe how far we have come. Now Mark is sleeping between 4 and 7 hours at night. And providing his milk and giving him bottles is so much easier. Now that he is sleeping longer between feedings he is hungrier, and that cuts down on the amount of time it takes to feed him. And that means I can steal a few extra minutes of cuddles and loves.

I am so grateful for these moments with Mark. They won't last forever, and I can honestly say I am glad to have given up sleep for this precious time.

Going back to work

Next Thursday is my first day back to work. I am dreading it! I truly wish I could feel differently, but as the day approaches, I get more and more upset. I am going over to Mark's daycare at our church today to learn the routine and figure out what I need to bring. I am hoping that will help me feel better about things... but it may also make me feel worse. Ugh.

I am trying to focus on the benefits of daycare: I will get out of the house, be back at work with friends, Mark will make new friends, get used to being away from me, learn from his teachers and other children. I think this is probably a lot more difficult for me than it is for Mark. So, I'm PRAYING I can adjust quickly.

I visited a friend who has a son a week younger than Mark yesterday. She sends her son to FPC and he has started going 1/2 days for the last month. Apparently, the daycare isn't allowed to swaddle the babies... so Mark is going to have to figure out how to sleep on his own. We tested putting him down not swaddled last night and he slept from 11-4, so that was pretty good. He woke up really upset this morning, and I had a hard time settling him down. So I swaddled him, and he calmed down. I hate the thought of Mark crying and being upset and the teachers not being able to calm him down. He's still so little! Goodness how I wish I had more time with him!

But I will pray extra hard and just try this out. Maybe it will go better than I expect! (fingers crossed) If any of you out there have any tips for me. Please send them on! And in the meantime, I would love your prayers.

Will post a happy post soon! : )

Back from Atlanta and TN

We're back from ATL and TN, made it home about midnight last night. WHEW! But it is nice to be home, especially since it's our anniversary. Happy Anniversary Isaac! You are the best husband ever... and I'm so grateful God sent you to me.

We had a nice couple days in Greenville, SC/Atlanta. Isaac worked and Mark and I hung out. After work on Friday, we headed to Deer Lodge, TN to visit Isaac's mom and Nana. We got to eat dinner with Isaac's sister Anna on the way, and that was so nice. It was nice to have a shorter trip since we left later in the day. Isaac went to work with his mom on Friday so he could have internet and phone access (no cell phone service up there!). And I got to stay back at the house and spend the morning/day on the porch with Nana and Mark. It was such a beautiful day, and I just soaked up the time with Nana. She actually sleeps out on their screened in porch overlooking their farm. It's absolutely gorgeous.

Saturday was a harder day for Nana physically. The cancer has spread to her liver and she has very little time left. It's hard to believe it sometimes when you hear how animated she is. She is determined to live out the last of her days with joy, purpose, and love. She has an amazing sense of humor about it all, and I'm completely inspired by her (as usual). She talks about how she can't be sad about this journey because it will take her to see God face to face. And she knows that she has lived out her days to the best of her ability and can feel peace about that. Seriously, Nana is one amazing woman!

Fortunately for all of us, Nana was feeling better on Sunday. She was up and talking up a storm. She went over her funeral service with us and shared the passages she wants read. She has carefully planned the whole thing out, and wants the service and day to be a celebration of her life. We will celebrate, but it will be so, so hard to say goodbye to her. She is planning a trip to the ABC store to stock up for the gathering afterward--drinks on her. She's been extra thoughtful about trying to face this with humor and laughter, and I hope I can do the same one day.

We said goodbye and I told her how much I loved her. I thanked her for her unconditional love for me, and told her I feel like I've known her my whole life... even though it's been less than 3 years. It was a really hard thing... and I've been praying whenever I think about her ever since. If you think of it, say a little prayer for Laura Pemberton. We love her so, so much.

Now, I need to go prepare for our anniversary meal. Not sure what I'm going to make--but I'm going to try to make it special!

Anniversary Week (and a Request for Prayer)

Hi all. Isaac has been working in Atlanta the last two days, and since I'm still on maternity leave, Mark and I got to go with him. We drove down to Greenville, SC on Tuesday night. Mark did so well in the car! We stayed in downtown Gville and walked to a restaurant for dinner. It was so nice to walk to dinner and eat outside. We really, really enjoyed it. The trip to Atlanta was good too. I think our little Bugaboo was sick of his car seat, so he had a brief meltdown. But we managed to get him calm in about 10 minutes. Not bad at all!

Mark and I went to dinner with Isaac and some of his work friends. It was a little odd being the only woman, but everyone was so nice. It's restaurant week in Atlanta, so we got a nice 3 course dinner for $20.10 (Isaac's was on the company so we could afford the splurge.) Too bad I knocked over my soup all over my foot and Isaac's coworker with the diaper bag. Mark was a little fussy, so I went to change him. Big mistake to try to get to my seat, negotiate the tiny space with a diaper bag, and try to put Mark back in his car seat! : ) Of course the saucer the soup was on shattered into a million pieces. But I wasn't burned or cut. SCORE! Now I just have a nice little bruise on my foot and under my big toe nail. Isaac's coworkers were SO gracious about it, but I still feel so dumb. Oh well, I guess that's parenthood for you!

Our 2nd anniversary is Monday, so we've been trying to make it a special week. We made coconut shrimp with pineapple salsa before we left Raleigh. It was so good and is actually a Cooking Light recipe. It's a little time consuming to make, but totally worth it. I made this previously for Isaac on our first Valentine's Day together, and I'm so glad we pulled this recipe back out.

We were planning to go to the Tom Petty concert on Saturday night, but we've had a last minute change in plans. Apparently Isaac's grandmother really isn't doing well. So we're going to drive to visit her this weekend. We're only about 4 hours from her since we're in Atlanta, so we really can't pass up this chance to visit. We'll have lots of more anniversaries together, but not too much time left with Nana. Please pray for Nana and the whole family. She is such an amazing woman and she will be dearly missed--although we are confident that God has prepared an amazing place for her in heaven, and that the angels are rejoicing over this incredible woman of God. I am especially blessed because Nana passed down so many wonderful characteristics to my mother in law Lynn and my sweet husband. Our world will never be the same because she was in it.

Nana has handled her cancer diagnosis with such grace and courage. I am praying these verses for her:

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me...

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

(Psalm 23: 4, 6)

I'll write another post when we're back from our trip. Have a great week everyone and hug someone you love. Make sure they KNOW how much you love them.

Wound Up

Hi all. It's been awhile since I've posted. I hate that actually. I have a lot of GOOD to write about: a trip to DC to visit my twin sister and new nephew, Mark's awesome strides in sleeping (6 or 7 hours a night!), and Mark's 2 month appt. YAY! But, mostly, I'm just tired. I've been so wound up the last week or so. I'm not sure what is wrong with me. But I am beginning to suspect I'm subconsciously stressed about going back to work in 2 weeks. It's 2 weeks away. Why am I worrying about this now?! YUCK!

I've been really tired the last few days, but I can't seem to "unwind" enough to take a nap. And I'm having a hard time getting back to sleep after I feed Mark in the middle of the night. I'm writing this just to get it on "paper" so hopefully I will rest well tonight. It's almost 9:00, and I'm hoping to be in bed by then. I have always had a hard time living in the moment, but I would like to ask for your prayers for just that. I want to enjoy my 2 weeks left with Mark. I love this baby, and I want to be present fully. Please pray for me and for peace to trust that God is with me... and will help me through this. I HATE the thought of leaving Mark at daycare. But I imagine it will be harder for me than for him. So, please pray.

Thanks all. Back soon with some happy posts.